‘It’s these goddamned new movies!’

‘And the magazines!’

‘We are being screwed, that’s what!’

I was at my first underworld party and was listening to a bunch of racketeers discussing the whore business. There was, it seemed, too much free loading going on everywhere; no longer was it only the Don Juans who were doing it; every penny-pinching masturbator had got on to it.

Listening to them was all right for a while, but then it got bloody boring. Those pimps had nothing else on their minds. Even my Uncle, the local thug, who had insisted that I attend the party if I wanted to pick up the trade, which I did, even he seemed to be falling asleep.

‘Let’s scram, Uncle,’ I whispered.

‘Easy, boy, easy,’ said my Uncle drowsily. ‘You are learning even if you aren’t.’

‘What do you mean? ‘ I almost shouted, making some heads turn at me.

‘To put up with boredom,’ said he from the corner of his mouth. ‘Very important.’

Ordinarily I would have said ‘To hell with the old bastard’ and taken to my heels; but not this time. The aged relative had promised to put me up in a racket; he had to be oiled.

So I did the next best thing. I turned a little to the side and looked at the other gangsters in the room. And right away I caught sight of this indescribable thing, sitting alone in a corner. Boy, what looks! What curves!

‘Now that’s the kind of flesh you need to get your limbs on, boy,’ I said to myself, and I began to speculate, while I stared.

What the hell was she doing sitting there alone, looking miserable? The answer took shape immediately: she was a concubine of one of the sharks; she was tired of the shark and the lousy parties he kept taking her to; she wished she could make a get-away, free herself from it all.

I gave it no further thought. I took out my note book and a pencil. And I began to write, pretending that I was taking note of what the whoremongers were saying. I gave a glance at my Uncle to see if I had made him happy but he appeared to have dozed off.

I wrote :

ME, YOUNG BULL, WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

LET’S GET OUT OF HERE.

MEET ME AT HOTEL CUNTINENTAL IN HALF HOUR.

I didn’t expect her to of course. But it was a diversion. It was going to be fun looking at her reaction. I hailed a waiter, exchanged my empty glass with a full one and stuck him the note. Off you go, I said, nodding towards the sex object. He turned, looked, and turned back again, shaking his head. I got the message. I dug out a currency note from my pocket and handed it to the bastard.

Off he went. First, stealthily, like he was afraid to scare her away or something; then, as he got closer to her, like a greyhound, dashing up to her, almost throwing the note at her and bouncing back fast like a rubber ball. What a screwball, I thought.

She read it. And when she looked up I began waving to her so that she would know it wasn’t somebody ugly. She saw me, and before I could make out anything else on her face some bawd placed his filthy hand on my shoulder: ‘What’s the matter, young fellow? You dumb or something?’

The whole bunch broke out laughing then, staring at me. Encouraged by this, another wise-guy opened his mouth: ‘Just piss off if you don’t like our company.’

My Uncle woke up, and came to my rescue. But I didn’t allow him to get far. I suddenly no longer cared about him. ‘It’s a damn good idea, isn’t it, Uncle? That I should piss off?’

I began moving away, scanning for the broad.

A shock! She had pissed off too! I looked past all the swindlers but no one was clutching her. I dashed out through the door, towards the toilets, thinking she really had felt like a leak. I couldn’t go into the LADIES, so I waited outside it, watching one relieved female after another come out—except her .

On a sudden the doorman presented his tall carcass to me, his long face wondering if I was some kind of a peeping tom.

‘I am waiting for a lady,’ I told him.

‘What lady?’ he shot back.

I drew a picture and the bastard laughed—right in my face.

‘Why, you skyscraper! How dare you!’ I boomed.

‘Sorry, sir, but you are making a big mistake. She—‘.

‘Mistake?’ I cut in sharply, and his face suddenly got straight, full of respect-like. His bird brain finally realized who he was talking to.

‘She went out,’ he said simply, bowing.

I dashed out into the street, not knowing if I was making a jackass of myself. Every loafer there thought I was training for the Olympics; some jerks even shouted as though they had placed bets on me.

I had never been to the CUNTINENTAL before—inside it, I mean. I had mentioned it only because it was in the neighbourhood. A seedy looking place.

I got there panting for breath, so I waited a bit before going in. I mean I would have looked a bigger jackass if she hadn’t been there and I was groaning for nothing.

I took one step inside and I knew I was a jackass anyway—for picking that hotel. Its disgusting smell assaulted my nostrils like a clap of thunder. But there was no turning back—I had to make sure she wasn’t there.

She was.

Sitting at a table in front of the shabby reception, which was also a bar. The bartender shot me a look, I shot her a look, and she shot out an order for a drink. For me. The only other customer, a drunk, crouched on his bar stool as if he had seen a ghost.

Gulping down my drink, I told her how wonderful I was.

Gulping down hers, she sprang up, flashing her big tits at me. ‘Come on, let’s go up and get that ball game started,’ she said.

Before I could suggest another hotel, she had turned and was walking up the stairs, shaking her behind at all three of us. I said to hell with the smell and got a room. Giving me the key, the bartender shook his head, like a priest at a disclosure of a sin. The drunk cracked a vulgar joke and then screamed with laughter.

‘Stinking shits,’ I barked, as I went up to my promised land.

When she threw away her attire and parked herself in bed, a little naughty smile on her thick lips, I wasn’t sure if I had barked at the right people. I sniffed around in the room and then went up to the bed and stuck my nose at her. ‘Holy cow!’ I cried, reeling back.

‘I beg your pardon?’ she said, fingering herself.

‘When did you last take a bath?’

‘Yesterday,’ she lied, smiling away.

I pointed outside to the seedy hotel’s corridor, and told her to get cracking. She left, still smiling.

When she came back, she saw me lying in bed, fingering myself. ‘Wow!’ she screamed and jumped on me, smelling now of soap.

Next morning, when she awoke, she smiled again. ‘What do they call you, Young Bull?’ she asked.

‘Young Bull,’ said I.

‘All right, Young Bull,’ she got up from bed and pulled out from her clothes a bundle of cash. ‘Here,’ she threw the bundle at me. I caught it and began counting it, not saying anything.

‘There are five thousand in there,’ she said. I continued counting, regardless. Trust no one, my Uncle had admonished.

She was right. I got up and shoved them in my coat. Then I got dressed. ‘I take it you want me to fix your shark,’ I said.

‘What shark?’

‘The shark who forced you to go to that party.’

She shook her head, slipping on her bra. ‘I have no shark.’

‘No shark?’

No.

I had no need to torture her. She was telling the truth. I could tell. She had gone to that party alone—to look for me. Or someone like me. Would I be interested in helping her?

I couldn’t very well refuse. I caressed the notes in my pocket and nodded. ‘Shoot,’ I said.

She didn’t. Instead she finished climbing into her dress and barged out of the room. ‘Follow me,’ she commanded, pulling the string she had attached in my pocket. I obeyed like a slave.

The bartender held his nose when he saw us come down. The drunk did nothing: he was out on the floor. ‘It’s your damn hotel,’ I yelled as I threw the key and the money down. I had already assumed the role of my client’s protector. I began to feel like the great Mafia itself. I couldn’t wait to tell my uncle.

She led me down the streets, like an animal lover leads a puppy. Shit, I thought, and grabbed her arm. ‘Where are we going?’

‘You ask too many questions,’ she said, not looking at me.

I disagreed and pinched her. ‘I bet I know what you want me to do.’

Silence.

‘You want me to cook your ugly sister’s goose, right?’

Silence.

I guess I was asking too many questions. I shut my mouth and kept marching with her. We came to a house; she rang the bell; the door opened and there before us was not an ugly sister but an ugly grandmother. Old as Santa Claus himself. Inside, my client drew me aside.

‘I want you to knock her off.’

‘Knock her---!!’ I gasped, taking a peep into the kitchen where the oldy had set about making tea for us. ‘You don’t mean that!’

‘I do,’ said the client, dead serious.

I took another peep into the kitchen and shouted: ‘You have some cakes, lady? I am hungry.’ The lady didn’t hear me. I glanced back at the client, who now gave out a contemptuous shriek. ‘My granny is deaf.’

‘How do you expect me to do it?’ I said, wiping the sweat off my forehead.

‘I don’t know. Think of something.’

I thought of something. ‘You live here with her?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why do you want her out?’

‘None of your business.’

We sat before the tea, all three of us. My client sipped it; the oldy ignored it, smiling foolishly; and I was given no cup. I got up again, trying to think. I thought harder every time I felt the cash in my pocket. I barged into the kitchen and grabbed a cup. Coming back, I waved it under the oldy’s nose. ‘See,’ I said, ‘I couldn’t drink my bloody tea ‘cause you didn’t give me the bloody cup!’ I gave my client a wink, and sat down, grabbing the tea pot.

She winked back and got to her feet. ‘I’ll leave her to you then,’ she made for the door .

‘Hey, hold on!’ I shouted. ‘You can’t leave!’

‘I got to go, Young Bull. I got to get me an alibi while you do it.’

‘Just...just hold your horses,’ I sprang up and brought her back. ‘You are going to help me do it.’

‘You are being paid to do it alone, you bastard!’

‘You owe me one more screw.’

‘What?!’

‘One more time and then you can go.’

I persuaded her to take off her clothes, then and there, while the ancient lady looked on, visibly shaken. Then I took mine off and dragged her down to the carpet. I did all sorts of things to her, and she did all sorts of things to me; things that would make a sex maniac lie down and howl with shame. The old lady, however, did not lie down and howl with shame. She just lay down and froze. Satisfied, I climbed back into my clothes and prepared to go. But the client wouldn’t let me.

‘Let’s have that money back, you bastard!’ she said.

‘What for?’ I pointed to the sofa. ‘Can’t you see? She’s gone?’

‘You did nothing!’

I smiled and slipped my hand over my exhausted tool. ‘I did plenty.’

She came charging at me. I ducked, lifted her up screaming on my shoulders and threw her on to the cadaver. ‘There, I have now even smashed the old hag up,’ I said.

Then I fled.

(2)

My batteries needed to be re-charged, so I went into a restaurant and ordered myself a thumping big meal. I ate like a pig, making everyone in there stare at me. One chap who stared at me was my fat cousin. He swung his large bottom and put it on one of the chairs at my table. I gave him a neutral look as I tore away at a chicken.

‘Well, well, well,’ he began, in that degenerate tone of his. ‘Look who’s got rich.’

I said nothing. I simply threw away the chicken leg and picked up a chunk of beef.

‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself,’ he said then.

‘Look who’s talking,’ I retorted, spitting out a bone. I picked up a bowl of gravy and held it up at him. ‘You had better get lost if you don’t want this all over you.’

He put up his two hands like they do in the movies. ‘Now calm down, will you...I just want to pass on a piece of news, that’s all.’

‘What news?!’ I lowered the gravy and resumed gorging myself.

‘My father is mad at you. He said you walked out on him at a party. He said if you come anywhere near him again he’s going to blow your brains out.’

‘I see,’ I said between mouthfuls. I was now getting less and less hungry and more and more tired of the sight of that creep. Suddenly I pushed away the plates, leaned towards him and gave out a big belch. ‘Are you finished?’

‘Are you?’ he asked back, looking greedily at the food still left on the dishes.

l threw a note on the table, shot the waiter a ‘come and get it’ glance and sprang up. ‘Come on, you are going to take me to him.’

He forced himself to look up at me, his mouth watering.

‘I told you he doesn’t want you!’

‘Let me be the judge of that.’

‘You are going to be sorry, cousin.’

The swine didn’t get up. I told the waiter to stuff the change and barged out. From the pavement outside I threw a curious glance into the restaurant through the window and saw the waiter being bribed again.

Oh, well, I thought, smiling to myself. I walked into a fancy shop and bought a fancy present, something that would really turn on the old buzzard. Then I flung myself into a taxi.

When we got near the famous tobacco shop I got some speed into the driver with the help of some chink stuck in the back of his shirt collar. The taxi then roared on to the pavement, its tires screeching, almost crashing into all those cigarettes. It brought out all the tax evaders in the area, except the king of them all, my bloody uncle. He was busy in his back office, poring over some fabrication or other.

‘Hi, uncle,’ I grinned, shutting the door as violently as I had opened it, and not forgetting to wave the beautifully packed parcel of ladies’ underwear I had got for him.

The dirty look he gave me kept hanging on his wrinkles even after I had stuck the parcel under his nose, so I took out a wad of notes—a large portion of my earnings—and began waving that. ‘Look at this, uncle, it’s what I left the party for. I want you to have it.’

He stood up and grabbed it. Then gave me a piercing look, you know, the kind of look you give a dog when you see him sitting nicely at a table and eating with knife and fork.

‘It was just a fluke, uncle. I was damn luck.’

‘Sit down, my boy,’ he smiled. ‘Tell me about it.’

I sat down and told him. He was all goggle-eyed.

‘You mean to tell me you actually killed off the old woman?’ he wanted to know.

‘Sure. With my bare cock—I mean hands. It was like wringing a chicken’s neck.’

‘And the girl...why did she pick you?’

I gave out a sigh. ‘She could tell, uncle. She could tell I had it in me. And she was right.’

He fell silent for a while, glancing thoughtfully at my gift parcel. Then: ‘Well, boy, it looks as though you have proved yourself...’ He stuffed the bank notes into his drawer without so much as a thank you. ‘I’ll tell you what I’ll do,’ he began unpacking the parcel, ‘I’ll employ you myself.’

‘Really, uncle?’

‘That’s what I said.’

‘Why, that’s wonderful. When do I begin?’

‘What’s this...?’ He held up the panties in front of him and broke into laughter, his puffed up stomach shaking all over.

‘It’s not something that would fit my aunty, I am afraid.’ I said.

He couldn’t stop laughing.

‘I chose the colour black because I think it’s sexy.’

He continued roaring, falling back in his chair and covering his face with the panties.

When at last he pulled himself together, he said: ‘What am I supposed to do with it?’

‘Put it on one of your whores and take it off. It’s fun.’

He exploded again; and he didn’t stop until that shit son of his suddenly walked in, his belly rocking with my food.

‘What the bloody hell is going on here?’ he screamed.

My uncle’s face fell back into place like a shot. It was as if somebody had pulled a plug and cut off his blood supply. He put on a dirty look, dirtier than the one he had when I walked in. ‘Why, you idiot!’ he bellowed, glaring at his son. ‘How dare you speak to me like that?’

‘Sorry, father, I thought...it was somebody else.’

‘Somebody else in my office?!’

‘It has happened before; there...there was that gang—‘

‘They came to steal, you nincompoop. Not to laugh. Have you gone deaf?!’

No, he hadn’t gone deaf. What he had done was to see me and then see red. I leaned back in the chair and watched the dressing-down, enjoying every moment of it.

‘Now get back into your office,’ the old man finally wound up. ‘And take your cousin here with you. He’s going to work for us.’

The creep was dumbfounded. For a moment. Then he stammered: ‘To do what?’

‘He’s going to be in charge of the insurance department.’

‘But I am in charge of that!’

‘Well, you are not going to be in charge of that anymore. You have got too many other things to do. Now go out and brief him—and find him a table and a chair.’

I followed cousin creep into his little office. He shared it with an accountant who was so busy adding up the month’s loot that he didn’t bother to look up as we came in. ‘Hi,’ I shouted, forcing him to take off his glasses and drop his pen.

‘Who you?’ he wanted to know.

‘Somebody who wants to throw you out,’ I said, grinning.

He grinned back. ‘A joker, eh?’

My cc—that’s cousin creep for short—sat down in his chair and pretended having something important to do. I went and banged my fist on the blank paper he was looking at. ‘What about that briefing and the table and chair?’ I demanded.

‘Oh, yes,’ he said, as if it had slipped his memory. ‘Let’s see now, where can we put you...’

‘Put him out in the street,’ said the accountant, grinning.

‘A joker, eh?’ I said, and went and sat on his table.

He glared up at me through his thick glasses. ‘Kindly remove your body from my table.’

‘It’s my table,’ I said.

‘Ha, ha,’ said he, not laughing.

‘I am afraid there is no room for you in here,’ said cc.

‘I know that,’ I said. ‘That’s why I want thick glasses out.’

‘Now look here, young fellow,’ thick glasses sprang up, now not at all grinning. ‘Let’s not try to be funny any more. I want you to either leave or show some consideration around here.’

I climbed down from the table and slapped him. He lurched towards me, fist raised, but cc swung his bulky body between us like a referee. ‘This is a respectable establishment,’ said be, eyeing only me.

‘All right, all right,’ I said. ‘Let’s forget the table. I can do without it. Just give me the low-down on insurance.’

(3)

What was low-down was that the job had no salary attached to it at all. Only a cut of the proceeds. And the cut was very much low. I might have guessed that just by watching cc.

So I wasted no time looking up the clients, armed with a full list of their fancy shop names.

One shop worthy of mention had no customers at all and the client sat fraternizing with his salesmen near the entrance while picking his nose and glancing at the passers-by on the pavement who wouldn’t be his suckers. I came in and said: ‘Lead me to your chief.’

The nose picker stood up. ‘I am him.’

I inspected him from top to bottom, not liking what I saw, then tilted my head towards the inside of his shop. ‘Private matter.’

‘Certainly.’ He led me inside where he offered me coffee. I looked at his dirty finger and shook my head.

‘Save your coffee. I am the insurance man. From Healthy Tobacco Co.’

‘Really? What’s happened to the other fellow?’

‘He’s alive. I am the new collector.’ I looked at him toughly.

‘Well, sit down. But...?’

‘But what?’

‘It’s not the first of the month...’

I sat down. Told him I had learnt the calendar in school and came to the point. ‘You realize, don’t you, nose-picker, that inflation has been galloping in this country?’

He was a fast thinker. I had to hand that to him. He knew immediately what I was getting at. At the same time he dropped his nose-picking, like a hot potato. ‘No, no, definitely not,’ he cried. ‘It’s completely wrong, my friend. What’s galloping is deflation, not inflation. All you do is buy from shops where there are sales.’

‘Never mind the sales!’ I said sharply.

‘But it’s true! And you can also buy things privately. It’s very cheap.’

‘Look—‘

‘And what about bulk buying? That can really bring your cost of living down. Really down.’

I lost my temper then and was about to land my fist in his filthy nose when he fell at my feet, begging. ‘Please, please, I can’t afford any increase. My business is bad, really bad, please...’

I took hold of his greasy hair and turned his head up at me. ‘No need for acrobatics, nose-picker, it’s only ten per cent more.’

‘I can’t manage that, oh please...!!’ He began kissing my knees. I felt so disgusted, I wrenched myself away from him.

‘Keep your distance, you unclean beast’, I shouted, and ran to the other side of his desk, to his chair. I sat down. He got up slowly and began to cry like a baby. His five sales boys heard and came running.

‘What’s the matter, boss? Why you crying like a baby?’

I came to his rescue: ‘Because he has just had to fire one of you.’

‘What...?’ gaped one of them.

‘To pay for the increased insurance.’

‘You from Healthy Tobacco?’ gaped another.

‘That’s right.’

‘Why you dirty snake.’ This was said not with a gape but an upraised hand and a lurch forward. Before he could get to me, however, he was seized by the others, the more clever ones, the ones who defied the law of the survival of the fittest.

I stood up, went to the hero-to-be and declared: ‘You are fired.’ I turned to the crying baby: ‘You hear that, boss? He’s fired. Your problem is solved.’ Then I walked out, satisfied.

Another establishment worthy of mention was a bookshop.

Plenty of bookworms swarming around in it, and if I had been one of them I wouldn’t have been able to find any salesman or salesgirl to help me; they were all busy rushing about, snatching up the cash for their master as fast as they could. My quick eye picked up a couple of shoplifters and I gave them a brotherly wink. Instead of smiling back to me in solidarity, they pulled out the loot from their inside pockets and placed it back on the shelves. Idiots, I muttered.

I couldn’t find the master; he wasn’t wearing any special clothes. So I went back to the entrance to inquire from the big, tough-looking fellow I had seen hanging about there, like some kind of a watchdog.

‘I want to hear your master’s voice,’ I said.

‘Why?’ he asked, impudently.

‘To find out if Healthy Tobacco has been doing him any good.’

‘Come again?’ Clearly he was too thick to catch a thing like that.

‘Look, who are you? His lawyer or something?’ I barked.

That shot through his skull. And he began to point. To a short man with a beard, who was talking and smiling to a plump lady with no beard. ‘That’s him.’

‘Thank you, my thick friend,’ I smiled and went over and interrupted the lively conversation, of the master and, perhaps, his mistress. ‘Healthy Tobacco,’ I said loudly, ‘want to talk to you.’

The bearded master turned out to be a bearded monster. He was furious. ‘What is it?!’ he demanded. The mistress smelled trouble and drew back. Even the crowd of customers around began to shrink, eyes popping out.

‘A small matter of insurance,’ I said. ‘Galloping infla—‘

He cut me short; a very rude man indeed. ‘I thought I told you hoodlums to keep away!’ he fumed.

‘Now that’s not a very nice thing to say,’ I said.

The monster shouted above my head to the thick skull I had talked to at the door. The big brute waded his way through the now excited crowd; I could see they were all boiling for a free fight.

‘Remove this scum from the premises!’ was the order.

I was seized not just by that one brute, but also by another who had come from somewhere behind me. Before I knew what, I was out on the pavement, kissing it. There, the first thing I saw was a police station, right across the street from the bookshop. ‘Holy cow!’ I said, and took to my heels.

(4)

‘Holy cow!’ I said again a little later, as I entered Healthy Tobacco.

‘We don’t have that brand, sir,’ joked one of uncle’s stooges behind the counter. I ignored him and went inside, wanting to grab cc by the neck. The bastard wasn’t there.

‘He had a headache, went home,’ thick glasses informed me, looking up from his figures. He screwed up his face. ‘What’s the matter? Had some kind of a rude shock?’

I fell into cc’s chair. ‘Is that bookshop across the police station a client of ours or not?’

Thick glasses began to laugh like a maniac.

‘Well, is it?!’ I shouted.

He shook his head, his body still quivering.

l decided to forget cc for a while and seized the telephone. I gave the order for the bunch of ruffians Healthy Tobacco had at its command to be called to duty at once.

‘But we have left that firm alone!’ thick glasses cried, regaining his countenance.

‘Why?

‘The cops. They hear everything there at night.’

‘Who said anything about night?’

The accountant’s eyes started out of his head. ‘You...you mean you want to do it in the day time?’

‘Exactly.’

‘You are mad!’

When the ruffians were lined up in front of me and I had explained them the mission, I asked, ‘you think I am mad?’

‘No, sir,’ they responded servilely.

‘There, you see!’ I turned to thick glasses, making him put on a disdainful grimace and hasten back to his book.

We went into action, dropping into the joint casually. I was attired like a priest with a beard, the ruffians like gentlemen with ties and all.

I took up a book and leafed through it, as I glanced over the throng of customers to the door. In a moment I saw the gorilla there begin to shut out the view of the cop nest. Closing time had arrived. I gave the whistle.

It made some dog of a creature near me open his mouth. ‘Can I help you, Father?’

‘What...?’

‘Are you looking for anything particular?’

Like lightning, I rammed my fist into his stomach, inquiring: ‘Got any porno books?’

He went crashing into the customers around. Turning, I checked the scene: the entrance had already been sealed; the two gorillas had been cornered and were being cuffed; the books were being ripped down from the shelves, the glass cases smashed up...

I made my way quickly towards the master at his desk. He was standing stiff, helped by two of my men. I said nothing. I simply went to work.

‘Kick his balls, sir.’ encouraged one of the ruffians. The fool, I thought. Couldn’t he see it was not easy to do that with the priest’s frock! Instead what I did was to swing my elbow and bring it whacking into the fellow’s ribs as a finale. Then I cast myself over his cash register.

At the door, a moment later, while the men behind me slipped out through the little opening, I addressed the stunned crowd: ‘Nobody goes out for five more minutes, you hear?! We’ll shoot you down like dogs if you do!’

Reaching for our transport outside, I caught a glimpse of a few cops stirring in their nest. They were stepping out. Leisurely.

As we drove back, I began distributing some of the loot to the men. ‘That’s double what you normally get. Are you happy?’

‘Yaaaaaa!’ they shouted in chorus, overwhelmed by my generosity.

‘Just don’t breathe a word to my uncle. He’ll grab the extra money back if he gets to know.’

‘No,no,no!!!’ they yelled.

(5)

I had to celebrate. And thinking that I might as well help the company’s business at the same time, I went downtown, under the dazzling lights where uncle’s whores hung about.

They were all lined up along the wall, hips swinging, headlights flashing. I began the inspection, poking at the tits as I went along.

‘Hey, do you mind!’ screamed one, bashing my head with her handbag.

‘Sorry girls,’ I said. ‘Just want to make sure they are not false.’

‘Piss off!’

‘Fuck off!’

‘Clear out, cock!’

One other was more helpful. She swung her chest to give me a profile. ‘They are real, baby—and big!’ she assured me.

At last I came to a fascinating combination: mouth shut, eyes smiling and hills and valleys to send even an Ayatollah round the bend. I felt my underwear shrink immediately. ‘I want you,’ I said, pointing at her.

She smiled now with her mouth and told me her price.

‘To hell with the price,’ I said. ‘Just tell me what you can deliver.’

She smiled again. ‘Upstairs and downstairs.’

‘For how long?’

‘Twenty minutes, half an hour...’

‘How about the whole fucking night?’

‘Price goes up ten fold.’

‘I said to hell with the price!’

She turned towards the door and the staircase behind her. ‘This way.’

‘No, not in there...at my place.’

‘Sorry, Romeo, that’s not allowed.’

‘Your pimp?’

She nodded and pointed to the character leaning on the car by the pavement. I turned and gave a whistle, like I would to a dog. He floated up, cigarette dangling from his mouth.

‘You mind if I take this whore home?’

He shook his head, cigarette still dangling. ‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I say so.’

‘Why do you say so?’

He glared at me for a while through the smoke. ‘I don’t have to give you no reason.’

With supersonic speed I snatched away his cigarette and stuffed it into his breast pocket; then I extinguished it by grabbing him by the coat. ‘How come you don’t smoke Healthy Tobacco?’ I said. He gave out an excruciating cry as the heat got to him.

I released him, took out my card and shoved it under his eyes. ‘Look at this, you bastard!’

He had difficulty focusing his eyes, so I read it out for him. ‘Healthy Tobacco Company...and that signature there, recognize that? It’s the old man’s!’

‘You...you from there?’ he faltered.

‘Insurance department.’

‘Why didn’t you say so?’

Turning away from him, I grabbed the girl. ‘Come on, sweetie, let’s go.’

The sweetie threw off her clothes as soon as she saw the bed. She even managed to spread out on it before I had time to shake my head at her.

‘What’s the matter?’ she wanted to know.

I went and pulled her up again, and pushed her under the shower. When she came out, I surprised her again. I had in my hand a black bra, black panties and a yellow gown.

‘Put them on,’ I ordered.

She eyed me suspiciously. ‘What for?’

‘Put them on.’

When she had obeyed, I told her to loosen her hair so that it flowed over the shoulders. Then I took her into the kitchen. ‘What can you cook?’

She stared at me, now confounded.

‘What food are you able to dish out, woman?’

‘Look, you one of those freaks?’ she ventured.

‘Aren’t you hungry?’

She shrugged her shoulders.

‘Well, you are going to eat anyway.’

I got her started and went and relaxed in the sitting room, arranging the dining table with candles and all, and opening the wine bottles.

Not a bad cook she turned out to be. We ate with gusto, sitting on opposite ends of the table and exchanging small talk. In between the dishes, while she fetched things from the kitchen and served me, I gave her small kisses on the mouth. When we had finished dessert and were sipping our wine, I told her I loved her and that I wanted very much to make love to her.

‘Pervert,’ she muttered under her breath, looking down at her plate.

I ignored her and put on the music. I took her up in my arms and began to dance with her, cheek to cheek, kissing her now and then.

Finally I led her to the bedroom. While she lay stretched out on the bed I started removing her clothes. First the dress; then, after a good deal of squeezing of her large breasts, the black bra.

I paused and removed all my clothes.

I had managed after that to get her panties down to her thighs, revealing her hair a little, when a sudden click somewhere in the sitting room put a stop to it. I looked at her; she looked at me. I got up; she lay frozen. I went to the door and listened. The sounds seemed to be coming from the kitchen. Whoever it was appeared to be hungry.

Slowly I opened the door and tip-toed out. I caught a glimpse of a man I had never seen; he was holding my milk bottle. I waited until his back was turned, then pounced on him like a tiger, grabbing his throat and twisting his arm. I dragged him out into the sitting room where there was more space and there I began bashing his head against the wall.

‘Come on, out with it !’ I said.

It took a great deal of bashing before he came out with it. But the bastard had some kind of a speech problem. ‘Your kh...kh...kh’ was all he could say. I helped by some more bashing; my bare balls swung in the air as I continued. In a moment my love came and stood in the doorway, watching, arms folded beneath her breasts, her panties still where I had left them. The sight of her made me more impatient with the stammerer.

‘Out with it!’

‘Your kh...kb...kh...’

‘Out with it!’

‘Your kh...kh...kh...kh...’

‘Out with it!’

‘...zlng...zlng...zing’

I stopped. ‘You come here to sing?’

‘Kh...kh...kh...kh...zing!’

‘Holy cow!’ I cried. ‘My bloody cousin...!’

He nodded, trying to stop his bleeding.

‘He sent you to kill me?’

He nodded again.

‘With what?’

A hand went into a pocket and a small bottle came out. Poison. I snatched it away. ‘What do you know!’ I exclaimed, examining the liquid against the light.

I dragged the stammerer out into the guest toilet. ‘Be my guest,’ I said and locked the door.

I hurried back to the bedroom. The poor darling had gone back to bed. I started to soothe her. ‘Don’t worry, sweetheart, you are not likely to see another display of such naked brutality.’

She said nothing, so I finished dragging down the panties and got in between her thighs and cheeks.

For a start.

(6)

In the morning I gave my guest bread and water, got rid of the whore and went to work.

cc and thick glasses were at their desks.

‘Hi, cc,’ I said cheerfully.

cc looked as though he had seen a ghost.

‘cc?’ said he, when he had recovered.

‘Just joking, cousin, just joking. Look, did you hear what I did yesterday?’

‘No.’

‘Sorry. Of course you can’t hear anything from a locked toilet’

‘I beg your pardon...?!’

‘Thick glasses said you had an attack of dysentery and had gone home.’

‘Headache,’ thick glasses cut in. ‘And stop calling me thick glasses.’

‘Sorry, thick glasses—I mean...’ I turned to cc again.

‘You made a silly mistake; that bookshop across the police station wasn’t our customer at all. But never mind, I taught them a lesson. I think they will take out a policy now.’

cc leaned back in his chair, frowning. ‘You ought to know something,’ he said stiffly. ‘When we pay somebody a visit we have to show some result in the form of cash. My father is very strict about that.’

‘Don’t worry, cousin,’ I dug out from my pocket the handful I had brought with me. ‘Here’s the result.’

cc stuck his greedy fingers out. ‘I’ll take that.’

‘Oh, no, you don’t. I am the chief now, remember?’

‘My father has to have it.’

‘I’ll give it to him.’

‘What about the men? They have to be paid!’

‘They have been already.’ I paused, then added: ‘Don’t worry cousin, I still got something for you—an invitation. To that restaurant for a gorgeous meal. How about it? You too, thick glasses.’

Thick glasses threw his pencil at me. ‘Stop calling me thick glasses!’

‘Does that mean you are not coming?’ I looked hurt.

‘I don’t eat your kind of food!’ said thick glasses.

‘I accept,’ said cc.

I smiled. ‘Good. See you later.’ Then I went over to the old man with the booty.

He was busy entertaining some shark or other.

‘Sorry, am I disturbing?’ I said, poking my head in the door.

‘No, my boy. Come on in. I want you to meet somebody.’

The shark turned out to be a high-ranking cop, in sheep’s clothing. His hideout was across the street from that bookshop.

‘The inspector is investigating a bust-up at his neighbour’s, the old bird explained. ‘He thinks we might have something to do with it.’

‘Does he now,’ I said, looking at the cop. ‘What makes him think that?’

‘Well, actually, a complaint has been made against Healthy Tobacco,’ the law man smiled.

A queer cop, I thought. To say things like that and smile.

‘In fact they say it was somebody who looked like you’ he smiled again.

‘Have you been up to something?’ asked uncle, a twinkle in his eye.

I thought fast, trying to find an escape hatch. I couldn’t come up with anything, so I smiled like the cop. ‘We don’t do such things, do we, uncle?’

‘Don’t you?’ the cop smiled again.

I turned to him, grinning. ‘No. This is a respectable joint. We sell cigarettes, that’s all.’

‘What did you do yesterday, may I ask?’ Smile.

‘Screwed a whore! Anything wrong with that?’ I kept up my smile.

‘What else?’

‘Nothing. I was here most of the day.’

‘I can prove you weren’t. In fact I can prove it was you in the bookshop.’

I abandoned my smile and went for the smiling bastard. I pulled the chair from under him. He fell over with a thud. Then I began beating him black and blue, wiping out his cheerfulness.

‘Hey, get him away from me, will you?!’ he shouted to uncle.

Uncle flew past his desk and grabbed me, and he was laughing his head off.

‘Take it easy, my boy, just take it easy. It was a joke.’

‘Isn’t he a cop then?’

‘He is, he is. But he was only joking.’

What a joke, I thought, and helped the fellow back up on his feet. Only to find the smile come back on him. He clutched his head where I had hit him and made for the door. ‘Do some explaining to the fool,’ he told uncle and vanished.

‘Sit down, my boy.’

I sat down. I was glad the old man was taking it lightly.

‘You got a lot to learn, haven’t you?’

‘Who is that man, uncle?’ I asked as if I now didn’t know. I’ll butter the old man, I thought.

‘That man is our man.’

‘By Jove!’

He explained. Then asked: ‘What is it you have been up to?’

I told him and tossed the bundle of cash at him. He snapped it up: ‘Well done!’ Then his eyes narrowed. ‘How do I know this is what you actually collected? You are not cheating me, are you?’

‘I would never do that, uncle!’

He picked up his telephone receiver and showed it to me. ‘If I ever found out you were, I’ll shove this up your arse!’

‘No, no, uncle. I wouldn’t. It’s not in my nature to cheat.’

He put the money away and became thoughtful. ‘I wish I could trust that son of mine.’

‘Don’t you?’

He shook his head. ‘He’s a clown, I know that. But then again, he might not be when it comes to accounting for money.’

‘Then I got news for you, uncle...you won’t have to worry about him anymore.’ My mouth watered at the thought of that meal I was going to have with him that evening.

‘Oh...?’

‘He’s completely honest. It has never occurred to him to short-change you. He’s too scared.’

‘Well, I sure hope you are right.’

‘I am right.’ I got up. ‘Well, I’d better go. Got to round up some new customers.’

He lifted his finger at me. ‘Remember what I told you: if the cops catch you red-handed, our man will be able to do nothing to help.’

‘I’ll remember, uncle.’

(7)

I concentrated on the area around the police station. Bearding the lion in his den, so to speak. I passed on the message that with a brain like me in command, they should no longer count on the neighbourly cops as a deterrent. I pointed to the bookshop as an illustration.

The message was taken, except for a few dumb-bells who took my good looks as a sign of bluff. I jotted them down for later treatment.

When I finally entered the restaurant, my body tired from all that leg-work, I saw that cc was already there, enjoying a beer.

‘Hi, cc!’ I said, slumping into the chair opposite him. I checked the little bottle of poison in my pocket and smiled at him.

‘Why do you call me cc?’

‘Cousin, cousin. You know, just repeating.’

‘Oh.’

‘Well, have you looked at the menu?’

‘I think I’ll have what you were having the last time I saw you here. It looked good.’

‘It tasted good too,’ I said, giving him a wink.

We ordered, and then I told him what I had done that day in order to ruin his appetite by making him jealous. The bastard remained cool, at least outwardly.

‘You want to be careful,’ he said hypocritically. ‘Our experience has taught us not to touch some of those shops.’

‘What experience?’ I said arrogantly. ‘Healthy Tobacco just needs to be tough, that’s all. It needs more muscle power—and it needs brains!’

‘And you think you are providing all that?’

‘In the field of insurance—yes.’

He took a sip of his beer. ‘You certainly have a big mouth, cousin.’

‘And also a big prick,’ I retorted. I was determined to get him worked up, to make his departure from this world a bit more unpleasant. Notwithstanding, the fatty maintained his calm. He was obviously pre-occupied with the thought of all that free food that was on the way.

He pounced on it when it came.

‘Tell me, cc,’ I said when he had his mouth full. ‘Why aren’t you married?’

‘Why aren’t you?’ he mumbled.

‘I am promiscuous.’

He said nothing. He just ate. Just adding more useless fat to his about-to-die body.

‘I know what you are, cc,’ I said.

‘What?’ He looked only at the food he ate.

‘A masturbator.’

He grunted, chewing away.

‘Isn’t that right, cc? You don’t like a screw. You prefer to do it all by yourself.’

No words again. The food had taken complete control of him. I put away my napkin and stood up. ‘Excuse me, cc, I got to make a phone call.’

He nodded, waving me away with his knife.

When I came back I said, ‘Uncle wants to talk to you, cc.’

‘What...!’

‘Your old man. He wants to tell you something.’

He wiped his mouth. ‘How does he know I am here?’

‘Now that’s a very stupid question, isn’t it?’ I said, sitting down.

He sprang up. The old man was probably the only one who could make him tear away from food. ‘Why did you have to call him now,’ said he, rushing away.

I quickly took out the little bottle from my pocket and looked at his plate. Then I looked about the restaurant to make sure nobody was watching me. I leaned over and was about to pour the liquid out when something somewhere inside my masterly brain made me stop. I withdrew my hand, thinking. Absent-mindedly I capped the bottle again and put it back in my pocket. Then, suddenly, a brilliant idea took shape. I was impressed by myself. I smiled and resumed eating.

‘He had hung up!’ said cc irritably when he came back. ‘Are you sure he wanted me?’

‘Smile, cc,’ I said. ‘Whatever it was, you have won yourself some time on this earth.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The later you talk to him, the later you would have to do something for him.’

‘Ah, there you have a point.’ He fell on the grub again.

‘Look, cc,’ I said a little later. ‘I just had a brain wave.’

‘Yes?’

‘Why don’t we go to my place for cakes and coffee and then I can tell you about it in complete privacy.’

‘What a splendid idea...it’s to do with business then?

‘Ya. About a nice new racket.’

(8)

Luckily there was not a sound coming from the guest toilet as cc and I walked into the house. I took him quietly into the sitting room and, as promised, made the coffee and took out the cakes. Then I watched him gobble away again.

‘Eat well, cc,’ I said, ‘you never know when you would end up in some shit hole with only bread and water provided.’

‘Jail?’ he said, his mouth stuffed.

‘Ya.’

‘No chance of that.’

‘Why?’

‘l am not that stupid.’

‘What if one of your ruffians is? And he blabbed?’

cc gave me a sudden stare, his chewing slowing down. For a second it looked as though he would throw up, however unimaginable that was. I hastened to add: ‘Relax, partner, I was only speculating.’

‘I don’t think I like your speculations,’ he said coldly.

He grabbed another piece of cake.

‘Well, here’s some concrete proposals then. The new racket I talked about...’ I leaned towards him, confidential-like. ‘Kidnapping.’

‘That’s madness.’

‘Why?’

‘Unsteady business. And very dangerous. Father would never go for it.’

‘To hell with the old fellow. I am talking about us.’

He swallowed the last piece of cake, downed a mouthful of coffee and looked at me. ‘Just who do you want to kidnap?’

‘You.’

His face froze. ‘Is that a joke?’

‘No, I am dead serious.’

He shot up from the chair, enraged. He turned towards the door. I sprang up and blocked his path. ‘Out of my way!’ he howled.

‘You are not going anywhere, cc,’ I pulled out a gun I had tucked away in my pocket.

‘Hey, put that thing away!’ He put up his hands instinctively, eyes popping out, feet backing away. He was scared out of his wits. ‘You crazy or something?!’

‘Something, you fat bastard! Come on, you are going into a real shit hole—to shit out all that food you have been putting away.’

Opening the toilet door I saw the stammerer stretched out on the floor, fast asleep. cc walked in holding a loaf of bread in one hand and a jug of water in the other.

‘No need to introduce you to him, is there, cc?’ I said, as I shut the door on him.

(9)

My plan called for an accomplice.

But who?

I thought first of some whore I could pick up and persuade to work out of bed; then I thought of corrupting one of the ruffians I had used to smash the bookshop; but I ended up looking at the house where I had screwed off the old lady. There was no one in it. The ringing and the banging I carried out brought only the neighbour out—a lady looking as though she had been disturbed in the middle of a wank.

‘If you are looking for her, she is not in!’ she shouted angrily.

‘Well, where the hell is she then?!’ I shouted back.

She slammed the door shut. I went over the hedge and rang her bell. She came back, opening the door only a little.

‘Look, have I offended you?’ I said.

‘Yes!’ she barked and shut the door again. I rang once more.

‘Go away!’ she screamed from inside.

‘Not until you tell me where she has gone.’

‘l won’t!’

‘Yes, you will.’ I started banging on her door. ‘If you don’t, you’ll never be able to finish wanking off.’

That brought out the neighbour next to her. A young boy. He didn’t look as though he had been disturbed from anything. ‘Look, sonny,’ I shouted. ‘You happen to know the smelly woman who lives over there?’ I pointed.

‘Sure.’

‘Where is she, do you know?’

‘She moved.’

‘Where to?’

‘Why should I tell you?’

Smart lad, I thought, as I climbed over the hedge once more. I stuffed a note in his shirt pocket. ‘That’s why,’ I told him, and felt as though I was in the presence of one of the leaders of tomorrow.

He told me. And when I went over to the new address, I saw not a house but a mansion. ‘ Holy cow!’ I cried, as I leaned on the fancy bell, waiting for my nostrils to pick up my former client like a radar.

The radar seemed to be out of order. lt registered not stink but perfume. I have been conned, I thought. That boy was heading for nothing less than the Presidency!

But the huge gate opened and there stood she, wearing the loveliest of nightgowns, and an expression that said: Who the hell are you?

‘Don’t you remember me?’ I asked, barging in past her. I looked around, admiring the riches. I found the sitting room, descended on the leather sofa and began nibbling at the peanuts on the table. She came rushing after me.

‘Just who the hell do you think you are?!’ she yelled.

‘Who the hell do you think I am?’ I yelled back.

She fell on the peanut dish, snatching it away. ‘What do you want?’

‘Peanuts,’ I said, stretching out my hand at the dish. ‘Put it back.’

She stamped over to her fancy bar and put the dish there. Then she turned back at me. ‘All right, say what you have to say and then get out!’

‘Now that’s not a very nice thing to say to an old friend,’ I said, getting up. I went over and stood before her, inhaling her perfume.

‘Friend?!’ she shouted in my ear. ‘You call yourself a friend?!’

She was right there but I said: ‘Well, what else?’

‘A cheat! That’s what you are. A cheat! You take five thousand and you don’t do a fucking thing!’

I smiled and walked past her to the bar. I began to pour myself a drink. She didn’t stop me. ‘I took five thousand and I did a fucking thing, remember? In fact two fucking things, come to think of it.’

‘You were paid to kill the old bitch! Not to fuck me!’

‘I kill by fucking. I always do that.’

‘You can’t kill a fucking fly!’

‘Look,’ I sipped my drink and grabbed the peanuts again. ‘It doesn’t matter how she died—she died!’

With a swift movement of her hand which I didn’t see, she snapped away my glass and put it on the bar. ‘No thanks to you! Now get out!’ She gave me a big push.

I lost my temper then. I went for her nightgown above her breasts and gave a mighty pull downwards. It tore instantly with a swish, releasing her large breasts in the air, hopping up and down. I grabbed her by the shoulders and dragged her to the sofa and then, unzipping my trouser, I fell on her.

‘Let go, you bastard,’ she screamed.

I held down her two hands and I held down her two legs and I held down her belly, but I didn’t penetrate her. A voice inside me said: Let go of her, you bastard; you want her voice, not her pussy.

‘Look,’ I said. ‘I am here to offer you money. You want it or don’t you?’

She stopped struggling. ‘Money?’ her eyes turned up.

‘Ya, money. You interested?’

‘Sure,’ she said doubtfully.

I released her. ‘I am going to give you a chance to earn back much more than that five thousand.’

‘You mean that?’

‘Of course.’

‘What do I have to do?’

I explained it to her and she, very stupidly, said: ‘Is that all?’

‘No, you bitch!’ I retorted. ‘You also got to screw—now!’

‘Gladly, Young Bull,’ she smiled, and flung herself down on the sofa again.

I fell on her.

And into her.

Young Bull that I was.

(10)

The next morning I was at work as usual. The first thing I did was to say to thick glasses: ‘Where the hell is cc?’

‘Why don’t you call him by his proper name?’

‘What’s it to you!’

He leaned back in his chair, sighing. ‘Well, can’t you see? He’s not here. Now please don’t disturb me anymore.’

With that he bent over his cookery book again.

‘Have you any idea where he might be?’

‘No.’ He didn’t look up now.

‘Didn’t he say anything?’

‘No.’

‘That’s odd, isn’t it?’

This time the book worm said nothing. He ignored me completely. So I went and pulled his recipes from under him.

‘I said that’s odd, isn’t it!’

He sprang up, boiling. ‘Now look here -- !’

I flung the book back on his desk with a big thud. ‘Never mind!’ I shouted, and walked out of the room, leaving him gasping for breath.

I knocked on the old thug’s office. ‘Come in,’ he said.

He was glad to see me. In fact I was just the man he wanted to see then. ‘I have heard nice things about you,’ he said.

‘Oh, have you now, uncle?’

‘Yes. Sit down.’

I sat down. ‘I have been hearing them all my life,’ I grinned.

‘Skip the funny stuff,’ he said sternly. ‘This is serious.’

I wiped the grin off my face.

‘The men have been very satisfied with you,’ he said.

‘Yes I know.’

‘They liked your personal contribution in the bookshop case...’

‘I know, I know.’

‘I want you to stop doing that.’

‘What?!’

‘It’s dangerous for us to be personally involved. If you fail and get snatched, a finger can be pointed at Healthy Tobacco immediately...’

‘But—‘

‘Besides, we can’t afford to indulge in the rough stuff ourselves. It’s undignified. And it provokes demands for higher pay.’

‘Higher pay?’

‘The men are demanding twice as much now.’

‘I see.’ I could think of nothing else to say.

‘I have told them to go to hell.’

‘Will they?’

‘I said skip the funny stuff!’

‘Sorry, uncle.’

‘I want you to look around for some new men. Make it top priority. We can’t be held to ransom by these cut-throats.’

Ransom. What a lovely word, I thought. ‘Where do I look for them, uncle?’

He raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You still got a lot to learn haven’t you?’

I kept my mouth shut, and put on an idiotic face, pretending he was right. I simply had to if I were to hit that jackpot I had in mind.

‘The employment agency! Where else?’ he barked.

I let my mouth open in astonishment. ‘The employment agency? You mean I just walk in there and inquire if they have any hoodlums needing employment?’

‘Of course you don’t, you fool. You hang around outside it and you try to recruit them yourself. Now do you get me?’

I shook my head in disbelief, like an imbecile looking at his first porno movie.

‘You pick on the chronically unemployed,’ he went on. ‘They are usually ripe for picking. Now go on and get on with it.’

I stood up like a trained soldier. ‘Sure, uncle.’ I made for the door.

‘Send that clown in, will you.’

I turned, smiling. ‘Oh, he’s not in today. I meant to ask you about him.’

‘Why isn’t he in?’

‘He’s taken up bread and water.’

The old fellow regarded me blankly.

‘He’s gone on a diet,’ I continued. ‘He wants to lose some of that fat.’

‘Is this one of your jokes again?’

‘No, uncle, honest. I had dinner with him last night and he happened to mention he was going to reduce from today. I thought you might know more about it.’

‘Well, I’ll be damned!’ The old fellow wiped his forehead.

‘You will be—l mean, we all will be—damned.’

‘How is he going to get his work done on bread and water?’

‘Search me, uncle,’ l answered daringly.

‘Well, just have him sent in when he comes. I’ll sort the fool out.’

‘Will do,’ I said and went back to thick glasses.

The accountant ignored me as I landed on cc’s chair. I stretched out my legs on the desk and checked my watch. There were a few minutes to go to hour zero. How was I going to kill those few minutes?

I looked at thick glasses, ‘Excuse me.’

Thick glasses gave a quick glance at me, as if he hadn’t heard me right. ‘What is it now?’ he said stiffly.

‘Sorry to disturb you but uncle has just told me a fantastic thing. I think you ought to know.’

‘What fantastic thing?’

‘About cc.’

‘What?’

I laughed, slapping myself on the leg. ‘You won’t believe this.’

‘Try me.’

I continued to laugh. He stared at me like I were some kind of a nut.

‘Is it that funny?’ he said then.

That triggered off in me even louder laughter. He kept his stare for a while, then, shrugging his shoulders, turned back to his book. ‘Screw-ball,’ he muttered under his breath.

‘cc...cc...’ I couldn’t stop laughing. I tried again: ‘cc...cc...he...he’s gone on a diet.’

Thick glasses turned again. ‘That’s not new. He’s been trying to lose weight for a long time.’

‘But not by bloody locking himself up...’

‘What...?’

‘He’s locked himself up in a toilet and thrown the key away. He says all he wants to do is to eat bread, drink water and shit.’

‘What nonsense is that!’

My laughter died down. My stomach had really begun to ache. ‘It’s true, thick glasses.’

‘Stop calling me -- !’

He was cut short by the old man who marched in unannounced. ‘What is the meaning of this?’ he demanded. ‘Is this a blooming joke house?!’

I took my feet off the desk and stood up, full of respect-like. ‘Sorry, uncle, the accountant was relating a story. It was very funny.’

‘Now look—‘ Thick glasses sprang up, seething. Only to be told by the big man to shut up and sit down, which he did dutifully, like a lamb.

‘Why haven’t you gone to the employment agency?’

‘l was just about to, uncle...’ I began to move.

‘Never mind! Come into my office.’ He turned away. I followed him, excited. He sat down in his chair while I stood before his desk. He looked at me with anger in his eyes. He was so angry he had difficulty speaking.

‘Some damn woman just called me on the phone...’ He broke off and lit one of his healthy cigarettes. He began to puff, his eyes now looking through me.

‘What is it, uncle?’

‘It’s unbelievable!’ he shouted. ‘The nerve some of these swines have! Who the hell do they think I am?!’

‘What’s happened?’

‘Do they really think they could pull that stuff on me?! Me, of all people? By Jove, I’ll show them!’

‘What stuff? Show them what?’

He pointed to the telephone with his cigarette. ‘The bitch wants me to cough up half a million, in return for that...that...’ He heaved himself out of the chair and flung the cigarette into the ash tray. He looked at me, eyes blazing. ‘They have nabbed him. That’s why he isn’t here!’

‘Who?’

‘Who do you think?!’ he bellowed, so loud that I was sure thick glasses heard it.

Realization dawned on my face. I bent forward slowly, hands on his desk and looked at him close. ‘Cousin? They have...? ‘ I trailed off, shocked. He slumped back in the chair, lighting another cigarette.

‘You mean they have kidnapped him?’ I couldn’t believe it.

He nodded grimly, not looking at me. He was thinking fast.

‘A half million?’ I whistled in astonishment. ‘That’s a lot of money.’

He turned and leaned towards me. ‘I want you to drop everything, forget the employment agency—and I want you to take the men and go and find this bitch and whoever is behind her. You hear?’

‘l hear, uncle.’

‘Get cracking then! Now!’

‘But, uncle—‘

‘I’ll get hold of our cop friend. See what he can do.’ He grabbed the phone.

‘But, uncle, there are one or two things we have to be clear about...’

‘Yes?’

‘The risk...I mean to cousin’s life.’

‘Nothing will happen to him! These snakes wouldn’t dare. Now get on with it!’

I withdrew, only to stop at the door. I turned to him again ‘The men. Do they get double?’

‘Yes, yes—just give it to them. But make them work for it.’ He waved me away.

‘Holy cow! ‘ I said as I came back to thick glasses.

‘Now look here—‘ began thick glasses.

I took the wind out of him instantly: ‘Shut up!’ I yelled. ‘cc has been kidnapped!’ I picked up the phone and gave the order for the men to assemble for duty.

‘Why?’ said thick glasses when I put the receiver down. He appeared stupefied.

‘What do you mean why? Why do you think people get kidnapped?’

‘Who would kidnap him?’

‘Why, you think he is too fat to be kidnapped?’

‘I mean the boss would never pay. It’s for money, isn’t it?’

‘Ya.’ I looked at him closely. ‘How long you been in the firm?’

‘Long enough.’

‘And you know the boss inside out, eh?’

He nodded, smiling. He felt superior-like then. I wished I had consulted him.

When the ruffians came, standing to attention, I put my hands behind my back, looked down at the floor, and paced up and down the line as I spoke. Thick glasses listened from his desk.

‘Something important to tell you, boys.’ I said, graciously. ‘Something that would make you all happy.’

The ruffians smiled. I glanced at thick glasses behind me and saw that he had pricked up his ears.

‘I told the boss that you were indeed underpaid. I told him you had to have a raise. I told him you had to get at least double of what you are getting now. And you know what...?’

I paused dramatically. I paced like a General, studied their ugly faces, and looked at thick glasses. Then I resumed.

‘He’s agreed.’

The ruffians broke out cheering and clapping like a bunch of school children who had been promised an outing somewhere. When they fell back to their normal, nasty expressions, thick glasses spoke up though he was not supposed to. ‘I don’t believe it,’ he said.

I looked at the men. ‘He doesn’t believe it! How do you like that?’

They booed.

‘You had better believe it, boys. Because when I say something, it bloody well is true!’ They clapped again, this time thunderously. ‘Mr. accountant will believe it when he gets down to entering it in his ledger.’

This time they laughed, making thick glasses resume his work hastily.

‘And that is not all,’ I continued. ‘Being underpaid was one thing. But there is another thing you deserve that has been denied you, and that is...’ I stopped, looking at thick glasses. ‘Well, since our accountant does not believe in anything good that happens to you, I think we ought to get rid of him, don’t you?’

This time there was embarrassment all round. I could see I had gone too far.

‘You are not going to get rid of me,’ said thick glasses. ‘This is my office.’

‘It’s mine too. And I got some very important things to tell the men. Things that are not for your ears...!’

‘Nothing is kept from me in this firm.’

‘Now is that right?’ I said sarcastically.

‘Yes.’

I went close to him and whispered in his ear. ‘You want me to throw you out?’

‘Now look here --!’

‘Listen, this concerns the kidnapping of cc. It’s a top secret mission. Even you are suspect! Now do you want me to haul you out of here by force and humiliate you in front of the men, eh?’

‘Me, a suspect?!’ He was shocked.

‘Ya!’

‘The boss say that?’

‘Ya. Now what do you say?’

He stared at me; then he stared at the ruffians; then he stared back at me as I still bent over him. Then, slowly, he nodded. ‘I’ll go.’

‘Good.’

When he had gone, I started to pace again. Now I really felt like a General inspecting his men, with nobody behind me, sitting and spoiling it all. ‘Now for the other good news, boys.’

The ruffians stiffened a little. One even gave a salute. I saluted back. That made the others salute, making me salute again.

‘Enough saluting,’ I said. ‘Time to get down to the nitty-gritty.’

I paused, pacing again. Then I said: ‘ Now you have been working very hard, haven’t you?’

‘Yes, sir,’ they answered in chorus.

‘You feel tired? Exhausted?’

‘No, sir,’ was the chorus again.

‘No?’

‘No!’

‘That’s funny,’ I said. ‘You look bloody exhausted to me!’

‘We do anything for sir. Just tell us.’

‘All right, listen,’ I said. ‘I want you to take two weeks holiday.’

Their jaws dropped. It was as if somebody had suddenly started pissing all over them. ‘No, sir. We work. We no want holiday.’ They began shaking their heads wildly.

‘Attention!’ I said, sounding angry. ‘When you are before me, you stand stiff like a penis!’

They stiffened up instantly, but one or two tongues continued to wag. ‘We no tired, sir. We want work.’

‘Look, you bloody clots,’ I said loudly. ‘It’s a bloody paid holiday!’

Their jaws dropped again. ‘A paid...???’

‘Ya. Go away from this joint. Do what you like.’

They began looking at each other, disbelief plastered all over their crude faces. I had obviously gone mad.

‘Boss say this, sir?’

‘No. I told the boss. He agreed. Now what do you say? You want to go?’

They began jumping about in wild jubilation, throwing discipline to the wind. They grabbed me by the arms and legs and hauled me up in the air like a statue. ‘Attention!’ I shouted, only to see myself drop down to their suddenly stiffened legs. I got to my feet, my arse hurting. ‘Now listen,’ I said, looking at them standing all over, facing in every direction. ‘I want you to grab this chance and relax. Go away any place you like, just don’t come back here the next two weeks. Is that clear?’

‘Clear, clear, sir.’

‘All right. Clear out!’

(11)

‘Knock them off, you bastard!’ said the smell, her face buried in the large soft pillow. She could feel I was not concentrating.

‘That’s easy,’ I said, and made an energetic movement of the hips.

‘Is it?’

I continued the hip movement to emphasize that it was. ‘Well, of course, you bitch! But what good would that do me?’

‘You take over cc’s job. And all that goes with it.’

‘That’s peanuts,’ I let my hand slip over the bed sheet to her crammed chest. ‘Flat peanuts.’

That remark suddenly brought on a cross connection in my brain, making me shudder for an instant.

‘Hey, why do you stop?’ she cried through the pillow.

I made no reply. I was thinking of her grandmother.

‘Hey, what’s the matter?’

I ignored her, for I was now on to something. Something I hadn’t thought of before.

‘Hey, continue—for fuck’s sake!’

This time her voice was a desperate scream. She began to shake her arse like a belly dancer, making up for my absence. I let myself shoot and then I withdrew immediately.

‘Hey, what about me?!’ she screamed again, turning up her head from the pillow.

I climbed into my clothes rapidly. ‘Abuse yourself,’ I said as I hurried out the door.

(12)

I hadn’t seen the old bag in years so it was no surprise when she turned out looking like a broomstick. She mistook me for the postman.

‘Why no letters?’ she squeaked.

‘Don’t you remember me?’ I asked idiotically and walked straight past her into the villa.

She screwed up her wrinkled face, trying to rack her aged brain, and she shuffled after me. She came and stood right beside me and she peered into my eyes. A century later she lifted her finger and shook it at me. ‘You are from the shop...’

I nodded. ‘Healthy Tobacco. That’s right.’

‘You got a message for me...’

I nodded again. ‘That’s right. A very important message.’

The corners of her mouth sagged as if she were going to cry, but she didn’t. She just turned her back on me and wobbled to a chair. ‘My husband isn’t coming home tonight,’ she murmured.

‘No,’ I corrected. ‘Your son isn’t coming home tonight.’

She paid no attention to what I said. She didn’t look at me; she took out a handkerchief from somewhere and began wiping her eyes. I still couldn’t see any tears.

‘In fact your son is going to be away for a long time unless you do something about it...he’s been kidnapped!’

Apparently I still hadn’t got through to her for she had that far away look. Shit, I thought.

‘Didn’t you hear what I said, aunty?’ I shouted and went and bent beside her, holding her hands. ‘Look, I am that very lovable nephew of yours. You remember me?’

She looked straight into my eyes, dreaming. ‘I get lonely...so lonely...’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘...when he doesn’t come’

‘I am not talking about your bloody husband!’ I held her by the shoulders and shook her. ‘I am talking about your bloody son.’

‘Why can’t he come in the evenings...?’

‘Look, he is coming tonight!’ This time I really shook her violently. ‘He bloody well is coming tonight. There is nothing wrong with him. You hear? Nothing wrong with him!’

Her eyes lit up suddenly. ‘What did you say...?’

‘He is coming home tonight. Uncle is coming home tonight.’

‘Uncle?’

‘My uncle.’

Her face went all soft. She attempted a smile and began stroking my hair, ‘You are kind...very kind...but your uncle—‘

‘Your husband! He’s my uncle! He’s coming home tonight. It’s not him at all I am talking about. I am talking about your son. My cousin!’

‘Son? Cousin?’

‘Ya.’

‘You are my cousin’s son?’

‘No, you bloody cabbage! Your son’s my cousin. I am your nephew!’

Her eyes sparkled. I saw that I had finally got through.

‘You are my aunty! Don’t you remember me?’

‘Then you are not from the shop...?’

‘l am—Oh, hell! Never mind that! What you should know is—‘

She cut me short, eyes wide: ‘I remember you. When you were that high.’ She stretched out her hand like a Hitler salute.

‘Yes, yes, but—‘

‘You used to stage sword fights. Imaginary sword fights. All by yourself. Oh, you were so funny—‘

‘Yes, never mind that. I got some important—‘

‘And you were always making my son cry. You naughty boy.’

She stroked my hair again, smiling.

Just then I lost my temper. I sprang out of her reach, unable to stand her ageing hand mussing up my well combed hair. I shouted: ‘I am going to make you cry now, you dried up old hag! Your son’s been—‘

The sudden opening of the front door stopped me. I turned and who do I see? The old thug! What the hell was he doing there at that time of the day? I looked about for an escape door but there wasn’t any. Besides, it was too late; he saw me straight away and marched up. ‘What the devil are you doing here?!’ he howled.

‘Eh, visiting...’

‘Visiting?’

‘Ya, I thought—‘

‘Why?’

‘What do you mean why, uncle? Can’t I pay my aunty a visit?’

‘Since when have you—‘

‘It was nice of him, dear,’ cut in my aunty.

Uncle turned savagely on her: ‘Shut up!’ making her instantly fold into the chair. Then he turned to me again, putting his arm on my shoulder and drawing me away into the next room. ‘You haven’t stepped in here for donkey’s years,’ he told me sharply. ‘ Besides you are supposed to be out on a mission, remember?’

‘Yes, I am doing all I can, uncle.’

He seized me by the shirt collar. ‘What is it then, eh?’

‘Uncle you are hurting me.’

‘I’ll hurt you much more if you don’t tell me the truth!’

It was such a temptation to give him one punch on his fat belly and another on his foul mouth, but I was too smart. ‘The truth is that I thought aunty might be able to tell me something...’

‘Like what?’

‘About cousin’s movements, anything that might help in the search.’

‘Don’t you think I would have asked her that? And that I would have told you if there had been something, eh? You take me for a fool?’

‘No, uncle, no, you are not a fool.’

He released me contemptuously. ‘What did you tell her?’

‘Me? Tell her?’

‘Yes, what did you tell her?’

‘What should I tell her? She was supposed to tell me!’

‘Did you tell her he was missing?’

For a moment I couldn’t think of anything to say. Then it occurred to me: ‘I tried to but she wouldn’t listen. I mean she just wouldn’t understand. She was more worried about you not coming home.’

He stared at me suspiciously, then his lips gave way and he began to chuckle. I suppose he was relieved. He placed his arm on my shoulder again and took me back to her.

‘Nephew is staying for dinner, dear.’ he announced, and then he looked at me again as he said: ‘He’s going to tell me everything he’s been up to.’

(13)

When I dropped into Healthy Tobacco again I got a little jolt. From none other than thick glasses himself.

He said: ‘What’s this about holidays?’

I turned sharply at him, then I looked in the other direction to see if there was anybody behind me he was talking to. There wasn’t.

‘Holidays?’ I said.

‘The holidays you gave the men.’

‘Who told you this?’

‘I heard,’ he smiled.

I fell on him instantly, pulling him out of the chair by the shirt collar. ‘Who from!’

‘No...no...nobody,’ he stammered. ‘I...I overheard.’

‘You were listening?’

‘I...I couldn’t help it.’

I snatched away his glasses, threw them on the floor and stepped on them. I released him. ‘You nosey bloody parker!’

If my old auntie hadn’t cried, this man certainly made up for it. He began to shed tears like that nose-picker, as he picked up the broken pieces of glass. ‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ he moaned.

‘You shouldn’t have listened!’ I roared.

He flopped back in his chair, eyes out of focus. I stood over him. ‘Who have you been blabbing to?’ I demanded.

‘No one, honest...’ he shook his head.

‘Not even to the boss?’

‘No!’

‘You sure?’

He squinted at me. ‘ Why should I tell him? He is in on it, isn’t he?’

‘You could have discussed with him.’

‘I didn’t.’

I smiled, but I realized he couldn’t see me so I came close and patted him on his neck, like I would a dog. ‘Relax, Mr. Accountant, sir. I just didn’t want the boss to think I had told you when I wasn’t supposed to. Look, I’ll buy you new glasses, what do you say?’

‘You had better.’

‘No, I’ll do better than that. I’ll buy you a meal too. How’s that?’

He said nothing. He just squinted at me, flabbergasted-like.

‘You don’t want me to buy you a meal?’

‘No.’

I dragged cc’s chair up to him, and sat down. ‘Why the hell not?’

‘Thank you, but no.’

‘Look, I want to make it up to you.’

‘I am afraid I consume only certain special things.’

‘Like what?’

He shook his head. ‘You won’t understand.’

‘How about bread and water?’

He sprang up from the chair and flew to cc’s desk, as if I had made an indecent suggestion. ‘You are playing something on the boss, aren’t you?’ he said.

I got up, facing him. ‘Now what makes you say a stupid thing like that?’

‘Why should you suddenly want to be good to me?’

‘I told you!’

‘You are lying.’

I went for him, fist raised; but the phone stopped me in my tracks. I answered it. It was the old bastard; he wanted to see me right away.

‘Can’t it wait, uncle? I have to fix thick glasses.’

‘Thick glasses?’

‘Our accountant’s thick glasses. He’s broken them. I am trying to help.’

‘To hell with the damn glasses! Get here at the double!’

I got there at the double.

‘Anything to report today?’ he wanted to know.

‘Nothing, I am afraid. The men are still hunting.’

‘Where are they now?’

‘They are doing the holiday resorts. Eh, some of our customers are from there and cousin, I believe, had some personal dealings with them.’

‘What personal dealings?’

‘No, I mean he knew them personally—not that he conducted private business with them.’

He regarded me uncertainly for a moment, then nodded and dropped his eyes on the desk. He picked up a piece of paper and held it out at me. ‘Look what they have sent us, the swines!’

I peered at it. ‘What is it?’

He did not answer me. Instead he seized his lighter and set fire to it. ‘That’s my reply to them,’ he said grimly.

‘Are those the instructions for paying the ransom?’ I said frantically. The door behind me suddenly opened and thick glasses barged in, eyes naked. ‘Excuse me, sir, but I have something very important—‘

‘How dare you walk in like this!’ shouted the old man.

‘Sorry, sir, but there is something you must—‘

I flung myself on the squinting twig, whirling him around and hurling him back towards the door.

‘Your nephew, he is -- !’ he began before a kick in the arse sent him into the corridor outside. Slamming the door shut, I turned back to the old man.

‘He’s got no manners, uncle.’

‘You didn’t have to do that.’

I shrugged my shoulders. ‘He gave me a shock.’

‘Did he have something to say about you?’

‘Your nephew, he is hurting me, I think he wanted to say.’ I shot a finger at the burning paper. ‘But, uncle, you shouldn’t have done that; it could give us vital clues!’

He threw the ashes on the floor. ‘The only clues we are going to get is by keeping up the search!’

‘What if we draw a blank?’

‘We won’t!’ he said emphatically. ‘Just you make sure.’

He swung his head to dismiss me. ‘Get that idiot now.’

‘Yes, sir,’ I dashed out.

The idiot wasn’t to be seen anywhere. Not in his office; not in the shop. He had obviously gone out.

‘He went that way,’ said one of the salesmen in the shop.

I flew that way.

I was lucky to have smashed his glasses. He was wobbling his way among the crowd on the pavement not far from the shop. It was one hell of a job making contact with him but when I did, I put him straight into a taxi. ‘I am going to get you that meal I promised, thick glasses,’ I said, stuffing his mouth with my handkerchief.

I gave him three large loaves of bread and a jug full of water before he went and joined the party.

‘Have a ball!’ I shouted, throwing a fresh roll of toilet paper inside.

(14)

‘Knock them off, you bastard,’ said the smell again. She was leaning against her decorated wall and I was preventing her from falling down by supporting her two legs with my two arms.

‘That’s easy,’ I said, thrusting her tighter against the wall.

‘Is it?’

‘Look, I am too smart for that.’

‘Are you?’

‘Look, all this needs is a change in the modus operandi, that’s all.’

She gave out a sigh. ‘All right, put me down.’

I did.

‘I am listening,’ she said then.

‘We need to simplify it; concentrate on the essential element.’

She shrugged her pretty shoulders. ‘All right.’ She walked to the bed, lay on her back and spread out her legs. ‘Just fill me in, that’s all I ask.’

That turned out to be not quite true for, when I did, she kicked me away. ‘Me fuck with him...?!’ she cried.

‘Well, you can try not to’, I said, ‘but rub some sense into him.’

‘Oh,’ she said, calming down. Then, after a moment’s thought: ‘How do I make contact with him?’

‘Leave that to me.’

(15)

‘Uncle,’ I said. ‘The whole thing has been left to me now.’

The oldie sat in his chair, feeling his chin pensively. From time to time he looked up at me slyly, giving me the creeps. Suddenly he rammed his palm on the desk. ‘How can he disappear like that!’

‘Maybe he had an accident or something. He could hardly see without his glasses’

‘In the traffic, you mean?’

‘Ya. Probably got hurled away by a taxi. You know what road-hogs they are’

‘Why haven’t we heard of it then?’ He gave me the funniest of looks, making me wonder if there was something else behind that question.

‘Search me, uncle,’ I said, regardless.

He got to be thoughtful again but I revived him. ‘Getting back to my problem, uncle: How am I going to cope with cousin’s work, the accountant’s work and my own work all at the same bloody time? I may be smart, uncle, but I am no superman.’

‘I suppose you have some sort of solution,’ he said dryly.

‘As a matter of fact I do.’

‘I thought so.’

I gave him a searching look, not liking his tone.

‘Well?’ he said.

‘Simple. We take on a new face. And I know just which face.’

‘Which?’

‘The client I picked up at that party. Remember her? She’s our kind. She understands our business.’

‘All right.’

I gave him another look, thinking it odd that he agreed so readily.

‘There’s something fishy,’ I told the smell when she moved into the office.

‘What?’ she asked, arranging herself on thick glasses’s chair.

‘The old bastard might have begun to suspect me.’

‘About time too.’

I grabbed her by the breasts. ‘Look, you be serious about this, you hear.’

‘Sorry, Young Bull.’

She was serious all right, but the old buzzard refused to get hooked. Days simply passed and the men came back from their holidays, but the oldie acted as though there was not a cunt around.

‘You sure he’s got his cock where his balls are?’ the smell said, throwing up her hands.

‘Look, you had better start waving it at him,’ I said.

So the next day she came to the office in a thing that looked almost like a night dress, naked shoulders and breasts half showing. It attracted one of the salesmen in the shop but I sent him back in the water. When she went in to the oldie for all sorts of flimsy reasons she took up various postures around the desk and once or twice even managed to brush her tits against his head as she stood over him explaining the day’s accounts. Still the bastard acted like an eunuch.

‘He probably needs a shot of hormones,’ said the smell.

‘Hormones, my foot,’ I said and marched over to him, determined to find out what the fuck was the matter.

‘How are you finding our new accountant, uncle?’ I asked.

He did not look at me but went on doing his work. ‘She is all right,’ he murmured.

‘Very sexy, isn’t she?’

‘Is she?’ he still didn’t look at me.

‘I was thinking. Those panties I gave you. They are just her size.’

‘Are they?’

‘Ya.’

He pushed away his work and glared at me. Then he reached for his drawer and pulled out my present. He threw it at me.

‘Here, you may have them back.’

‘But, uncle, I didn’t mean that.’ I looked hurt.

‘Never mind what you meant. Let’s get back to business. How’s the hunt going?’

‘Well, I am doing all I can, you know that.’

‘You are not doing enough.’ His voice was stern. ‘I am taking over the men now, and I am personally going to get to the bottom of it. Now go back and attend to your other duties.’

‘But—‘

‘Out!’

Now the bastard had really hurt my feelings. I went to the smell and ordered the panties to be put on.

‘What, now?’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes now, you bitch! We are going to do it on office time.’

She put them on.

And I took them off.

‘Now what?’ she asked.

I grabbed a chair. ‘We sit on this.’

The chair creaked as her entire body rested on my thighs, and the smell of her perfume engulfed my nostrils.

‘The stinking affair is beginning to weigh on me,’ I complained.

She stroked my hair as she rode me like a horse. ‘Take heart, Young Bull,’ she said.

I took instead her tits in my mouth.

‘Let’s just sit on it for a while,’ she said.

I didn’t think much of that scheme but I thought it best not to try to say anything more. I was really feeling down in the mouth now.

(16)

He held the note up at me again: ‘Here’s another one.’

‘They must be getting desperate, uncle. We had better do something about it.’

‘You mean pay up?’

‘No, I mean trick them. By going along with their demands.’

He looked at me curiously. I stretched out my hand. ‘If I could just look at it, I might be able to come up with something smart.’

He thought it over for a moment, then gave the note to me. I read it, really read it. ‘Okay, uncle, listen, we do exactly as it says. We take the bag full of cash to this place and we set up a ring around it using all our men. We’ll make sure the bastards don’t get out with the money. How’s that?’

‘Sounds interesting,’ he said, though his face looked bored.

‘We’ll grab them red-handed, and we’ll wipe them out then and there!’

He remained unmoved. ‘And what if they get out of the net?’

‘They won’t! We’ll have it so tight, they won’t!’

‘It’s a big park, with trees and bushes everywhere. How are you going to seal every little outlet?’

‘It can be done, uncle. Just trust me. Hell, we can even get the cops to give us a hand.’

He gave a smile and then he asked something that sent my balls curling up: ‘Just what is your role in this?’

‘My role? What do you mean?’

‘What exactly are you going to be doing?’

My balls loosened up. ‘Why, I’ll put the money bag on the spot, withdraw behind some bushes and keep a constant eye on it. I want to be the first to pounce on the bastards, you know me!’

‘Yes, I know you,’ he said dryly and stretched out his hand for the note. When he had it back, he smiled and took out his lighter. He set fire to it.

‘But uncle!’ I shouted, horrified.

He waited until the whole thing had burnt out, then: ‘That’s still my answer. Now get back to work!’

(17)

‘Knock them off, you bastard!’ repeated the smell.

She was beginning to bore me. To liven things up a little I bought her a whole range of new bras and panties, various colours and designs, so that there was a different pair for each day. That smoothed out the passage to the first of the month, and then I went and got hold of a blower.

He laughed straight in my face: ‘Imagine a thing like that happening to Healthy Tobacco.’

‘Will you do it?’

‘Of course I will. I have done lots of jobs for your uncle.’

‘Okay, let’s go.’

He looked puzzled. ‘Now? In the middle of the night?’

‘Sure. That’s when you normally work, don’t you?’

I opened the door to the shop with the key I had and then inside I used a series of bent wires to open the old man’s office.

The blower was more puzzled.

‘How can you lose both the key to the door and the safe combination?’

‘Somebody pinched the old man’s jacket,’ I explained.

‘He kept the safe combination in his jacket?’

‘No,’ I said irritably. ‘He kept it in his underwear which was in his jacket.’

The man scratched his head, not knowing what to make of that. He looked at the giant safe, examined it and began pulling out the explosives from his bag. ‘Sure feels good working without haste for a change,’ said be.

I didn’t feel good looking at him working without haste. I felt good only when, with a bang, the thick door opened and the loot was exposed to sight. I grabbed it and began dumping it in my suitcase.

‘Sure is rich, your uncle,’ he kept staring at the notes, mouth watering.

I finished emptying the safe, then took a bundle and stuffed it in his hand. ‘Here, that’s ten times your fee. Enjoy it.’

Before he had time to say how happy he was, I seized him by the throat. ‘Only if you keep your mouth shut about this!’

He began to shake. ‘Sure...sure, but...but why?’

‘Nobody must know, you hear!’

‘Sure, sure’

‘Not even my uncle!’

‘Not even...?’ He was more than puzzled now.

‘Not even my uncle!’ I repeated.

‘You mean...?’

‘Yes. Now get the hell out of here!’

He fled like he had seen the devil himself.

I fled like I had robbed a safe.

I went straight into the arms and legs of the smell who was looking after my guests and waiting for her share.

We stood facing each other in the shower. Above the sound of the running water, we could hear the now frantic cries from the guest toilet.

‘You know what I like about you?’ I said.

‘What?’ she pressed herself harder against me.

‘You are always warm and wet.’

She gave a giggle and said: ‘And you know what I like about you?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

She screwed up her face. ‘What?’

‘Rain or no rain, I deliver the goods.’

She giggled once more. Then we heard the cries again and she said .’You realize, don’t you, you have to knock them off now.’

‘No I don’t,’ I said and grabbed her buttocks.

‘Well, you can’t let them go!’

‘Why not?’

‘They’ll knock you off!’

‘Who says I have to stay in this town or this country?’

‘They’ll get you—wherever you go!’

I shoved myself out of her warmth and, grabbing her arms, swung her around to face away from me. Then, brutally, I bent the upper part of her body down and searched for her warmth again, but the bitch kept wriggling her buttocks, shouting: ‘Bastard, you bastard!’

I pushed and pulled and shifted myself but her bloody slit eluded me. Finally I let her go, exhausted. She turned and we stared at each other for a while like some beasts, the water falling between us.

‘Why did you have to do that?’ she said then.

‘Nobody is going to get you if you don’t want to be got,’ I said.

‘What?!’

‘You heard.’ I went and gave her a kiss. Her brain never was as quick as her cunt and it was a long time before she flung her arms around my neck again.

‘But isn’t it just easy to knock them off?’ she asked. ‘Then you don’t have to run. You can continue with your uncle.’

I shook my head. ‘The old bastard might still find out. He’s already begun to suspect me; that I can tell. Besides, I don’t trust that blower.’

‘You should knock him off too.’

‘Look, let’s resume knocking ourselves up, shall we?’

‘Sure. Young Bull,’ she turned around, showed me her back and bent down. I smiled and thrust myself into her. Only to hear on a sudden a great big crash from somewhere near the front door, making my blood scamper in all the wrong places. In another flash the shower curtain got swished away and there stood enjoying us was one of Healthy Tobacco’s ruffians. Another second and more ruffians tramped into the bathroom, their heavy boots scratching on the tiled floor.

The smell straightened up, trying to hide her wealth. I glared straight back at them, hiding nothing.

‘What the hell is going on?!’ I shouted, as if I didn’t know.

The ruffians only grinned. Behind them the old thug’s voice boomed: ‘That’s what I’d like to know!’

‘Uncle! What’s wrong?’ I turned off the shower.

‘Come out of there, you dirty swine!’

We came out and grabbed our bathrobes; if I had to die, I thought, let it not be with nothing on. ‘What’s happened?’ I asked again, baffled.

‘Where’s the money? And where is my son?’

‘What money?’ I was confounded.

‘Put him against the wall!’ he ordered the ruffians.

‘Now wait a minute!’ I protested.

Two pairs of rough hands grabbed me and held me against the cold bathroom wall. The old thug waded past the other ruffians and stood before me, ignoring the smell paralyzed near the shower.

‘You going to tell me or do I have to make you?’ he brought out his lighter and lit it in front of my eyes. Just then the guest toilet exploded with cries again, making him turn away from me. He nodded to the other ruffians. ‘Get them.’ Then he held the lighter up at me again. ‘Where’s the money?’

‘Why don’t you look behind in your arse!’ I hollered, and sent a mighty kick in his stomach with my free feet. He went flying to the floor. In an act of frenzy, I struggled with the ruffians holding me and lo and behold I shook them off! I turned, snatched a towel hanging behind me on the wall and went for the oldie, wanting to strangle him. But the ruffians, rushing PAST me, beat me to him. They lifted him up and put him against the opposite wall.

‘He’s yours, sir,’ said one of them, and I saw that he was speaking to me. Then the second one nodded: ‘You good to us, sir.’

They could have knocked me down with a bank note.

I gave the smell a quick look and saw her still frozen near the shower. Then I dashed out of the bathroom and saw the door to the guest toilet still locked. The other ruffians were just standing there, hands folded. I called out at the bathroom: ‘Bring the bastard in here!’ The command was promptly obeyed. Then I pointed to the toilet: ‘Shove the bastard in there!’ That too was promptly obeyed.

After that I got out the bottles.

‘Here’s to my health,’ I said, lifting my glass up.

‘To your health,’ they all cheered.

Not to be left out, the four guests in the toilet cheered too, only in a different sort of way, bringing laughter to everybody, except to the smell, who said: ‘I bet I know what you are going to do with them.’

‘What?’

‘You are not going to knock them off.’

‘Knock it off, will you!’ I said, and raised the glass again to my faithfuls.

‘To Healthy Tobacco.’

‘To Healthy Tobacco,’ they hollered.

(18)

Imagine putting the loot back where you took it from!

It made me feel so funny I had to glance quickly at the smell for re-assurance. She sat at the brand new desk I had ordered for her. She was so taken up by her new role as my adviser and secretary that she hardly had time to look at me, even though we were bunched together in the same room. She just pored over the documents and talked incessantly on the phone, trying to get a grip over Healthy Tobacco’s many tentacles and coming up now and then with some daft ideas for turning more chink.

‘We got to go into the nursing profession,’ she said once.

‘Nursing?’ I said, wondering if I had heard her right. ‘Surely you mean the massage profession.’

‘No, nursing. Taking care of the very old and the very rich. Our girls would not only nurse them, they—‘

‘They would massage them!’

‘They would get them to alter their wills—in our favour.’

She beamed, pleased with herself.

I shook my head. ‘What makes you think the girls wouldn’t try to have the wills changed in their own favour?’

‘Why don’t our whores fuck for themselves?!’ she countered.

‘Forget it.’

I seemed to have dealt a blow to her ego, so I added, ‘Look, anything we go into has to be really big—like your tits.’

Then I picked up the phone and told cc to make the fifteen metre run. He made it in the same number of minutes. ‘You getting too fat, cc?’ I remarked when he had shut the door behind him.

‘Of course not,’ he answered, and there wasn’t a trace of resentment in his voice.

‘If your thumping salary is making you so sluggish, then...’

‘No, no, cousin,’ he blurted, ‘I had to finish counting last week’s proceeds from the casinos, that’s all.’

‘All right, sit down...how much did you total up?’

He shrugged his rubbery shoulders. ‘The usual.’

I gave the smell a glance. ‘Our secretary thinks we ought to be collecting much more.’

He eyed her questioningly. ‘From gambling?’

‘From everything,’ replied she. ‘We need to expand.’

‘Have you got any ideas, cc?’ I said.

He hesitated. ‘We can expand into new areas of the town, but...’

‘Not new areas. New business,’ emphasized the smell.

‘But what, cc?’ I asked.

cc went on to shock us. His father, the old thug, had, it seemed, come to a gentleman’s agreement with the only other thug in the city. According to this agreement the city was divided into two zones of influence, so there was no question of Healthy Tobacco getting into any new territory. And who was this other thug? Why, none other than that loud-mouth who had told me to piss off at that party the smell and I had picked each other up!

‘Holy cow!’ I whistled.

‘Dirty pig!’ screamed the smell.

‘But that’s not all,’ resumed cc.

The smell and I held our breaths.

‘We are forbidden to have anything to do with dope.’

I recovered first. ‘You mean Mr.Piss Off can dope while we can’t?!’

cc nodded.

‘Why didn’t I think of that?’ shouted the smell.

‘Think of what?’ I yelled.

‘Hash. We go into hash. It’s big!’ She began to swing her chest from side to side, grinning foolishly.

I ignored her and stood up, thinking.

‘I said we can’t go into hash,’ cc repeated to the smell.

‘Fuck him! Fuck that man!’ she retorted.

‘Shut up, you two! Can’t you see I am thinking?’

Silence. I went round my desk and began pacing the floor. One thing I was sure of was that I did not like hash, like I did not like tobacco. But l also did not like some arse-hole coming and waving a gentleman’s agreement under my nose, especially when I had nothing to do with it. At last I stopped, in front of cc. ‘You think your papa could be persuaded to change his mind?’ I asked him. If I was going to take on Mr. Piss, I reasoned, it wouldn’t at all be a bad idea to have the old fellow around.

cc shook his plump head. ‘Negative. I told you he doesn’t want even me to work here.’

I got back into my swivel chair, trying to figure out something else. But I couldn’t. The dethroned uncle kept needling me. I sat up and slammed my hand on the desk. ‘What’s wrong with the old dog?!’ It was a rhetorical question but cc, slow witted that he was, opened his mouth:

‘He can’t get over it.’

That was obvious to anybody. What was not obvious was that I had offered all my toilet guests—except the stammerer—excellent terms of employment, something that would make even a goddamned prince look up and take notice; and yet the only one to accept was cc. Never mind the old thug—even thick glasses had preferred to go to other pastures.

‘Has he managed to set up another racket?’ I inquired.

‘No,’ answered cc. ‘He just sits at home and dreams of smashing you up.’

‘Why do you want him?’ said the smell. ‘He’s finished. And he is old!’

‘All right, to hell with him!’ I said. Then turned to cc. ‘cc, I want you to get cracking. Take the first plane out of the country and get us a load of hash.’

‘Attah boy! ‘ cheered my adviser.

‘But—‘ began cc.

‘Don’t you worry about Mr.P. I’ll take care of him.’

‘Attah boy!’ The adviser.

‘But—‘

“No buts, cc. You fly out right away. That’s an order!’

(19)

Buying the stuff abroad was one thing. Getting it into the country was another. So the smell and I paid a little informal visit to the custom house, or rather to its grand vizier. As expected, he treated us like contraband: grasping handshake, smug smile and a quick transport into the confines of his inner office. ‘What can I do for you?’ he said gloatingly.

‘Let me do something for you,’ I said, and opened our attache case. The bundles of lolly packed in it made him go dumb. For a moment. Then, getting up and turning to a cupboard, he asked, ‘whiskey?’

‘Only if it’s smuggled,’ I answered, making him go dumb again. For a while. Then he broke into a giggle.

‘I am afraid I am dead serious,’ I said.

He poured the drlnks silently and passed them on to us. Sitting down again, he said, ‘ Excuse me for being stupid but just what are you serious about, Mr...’

‘Bull. Call me Bull.’

‘Mr. Bull.’

His eyes had shifted to the smell as he said my name, so I let her pick up the ball. True to her form, she picked up the attache case and placed it smack in his lap, saying, ‘We are serious about making you happy.’

He gave a little smile and began stroking the attache case. ‘And why, may I ask?’

I thought that remark a little odd and so did the smell for she looked at me. I got up and descended beside him. ‘We like you, that’s all,’ I grinned.

‘But you don’t know me, do you?’

‘No, we don’t. But we like you.’

‘Any man who can massage an attache case like that has to be likeable,’ added the smell. Clever girl, I thought.

‘But...’ He checked himself suddenly and there appeared on his face a grimace. ‘You know something?’ he looked at me.

‘No, we don’t know something,’ I responded.

‘You are lucky.’

‘Bravo!’ cried the smell. She fell on his other side, put her arm around him and kissed him on the cheek. ‘I knew you were a smart guy.’

‘I mean you are lucky I don’t throw you out.’

She reeled away from him as if struck by lightning.

‘What do you mean?’ I said quickly.

‘It’s a disgusting suggestion,’ he said, but went on stroking the attache case.

‘Yes it is,’ I countered, giving him a wink. ‘So beautifully disgusting.’

‘Just what kind of a cargo is it?’

‘Hash.’

On a sudden the grand vizier sprang up. Turning huffishly to me, he almost threw the attache case in my hands, eyes blazing. ‘Do you know who I am?’ he thundered.

‘The grand vizier of the customs!’ I fired back.

‘Please go!’

‘Now look here!’ I dumped the attache case on the sofa and got to my feet, staring him in the eyes. ‘Just cut out the bull!’ I pointed to the attache case. ‘If that’s not enough, name your figure.’

He thrust his chin out. ‘I am not that kind of a man! Now good-bye!’

‘I don’t believe this,’ I said to myself, scratching my head.

‘Neither do I,’ added my partner.

I took a deep breath; and I took a hold on myself. Then I took a hold on my girl. ‘Look at her, Mr. Vizier,’ I said softly. ‘You like her?’

‘I said good-bye!’ He turned and tramped towards the door.

I faced him again. ‘You can have her as long as you want, how’s that? And the money.’

He flung open the door. ‘Off with you!’

I went to the open door and swung it shut. When I turned to him, he had already hit the floor; my girl was on top him, squeezing his throat like a lemon.

‘What’s with you, you son of a bitch!’ It was the whine of a she-devil. ‘You gone crazy or is there something else?’

He certainly hadn’t gone crazy. That he made clear right away. His problem, as he related while struggling frantically for a breath of air, was another party which insisted on the sole rights for that particular commodity. ‘Name anything else,’ he gasped, ‘and it shall be chalked through—just not that one item.’

I had no need to ask who that mean, wangling party was but I did, just to be sure.

Mr. Piss Off!

‘He’ll kill me if I double-crossed him,’ the reclining vizier moaned.

‘And do you think we won’t kill you?!’ the smell raged, and she began crushing his throat with everything she had.

I got to her just in time, tearing her away from him.

‘What are you doing, you bastard?!’ she began now to fight with me. ‘Let go of me!’

‘Take it easy, girl, just take it easy,’ I tried to dampen her as I dragged her out of the vizier’s house. But she kept kicking and flinging her arms about and calling me names. She made quite a spectacle of herself in the streets.

And she was still in a blaze when we got to Healthy Tobacco, so I flung her on to her desk, slipped down her undies with a quick up and down movement of my hand under her skirt and mounted her.

It was like giving her a tranquilizing injection: hands and legs limped away onto the surface of the desk, the head ceased heaving itself up and the lips contracted to their natural kissable thickness.

However, before long, she was like a tigress again; it was so sudden, I turned and fell off the desk, dragging her down on top of me. She had me floored and she went to work on me with a vengeance, squatting on me and jerking her arse up and down as if she were sitting on a supersonic see-saw.

‘You’d better come up with something fast, you fool,’ she droned in my ear as we lay on the floor, spent.

‘The first thing to do is to come up’ I said and got to my feet. ‘And the second thing to do is to fall back,’ I collapsed in my chair, ‘on diplomacy.’

‘Diplomacy?’

‘If you can’t beat them—butter them!’

She stood up and slipped on her panties. ‘Do me a favour, will you?’ she said.

‘Sure.’

‘Quit horsing around.’

‘I am not! Look, get on that phone and get me Mr. Piss Off.’

‘What have you in mind?’

‘A summit conference.’

Doubtfully she picked up the receiver and began dialling. But Mr. Piss Off was not available. He was busy. And he was still busy when the smell tried again after a little while, and the next day and the day after that.

‘I don’t understand!’ she finally exclaimed, slamming the phone down.

‘I do,’ I said. ‘He’s pissing on us.’

‘Why? He doesn’t even know what we want.’

‘But he does know who we are.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘He’s probably used to pissing on my uncle. How do you think he could push through this gentleman’s agreement down the throat of Healthy Tobacco? Look, do something else. Get a pamphlet printed announcing our entry into hash, and have it sent to the bugger.’

Her mouth broadened into a smile. ‘Yes, sir.’

The next few days I shut myself in cc’s office. Downing cups of tea and reading books about hash. My knowledge was still incomplete when the smell, sounding extremely pleased, began telephoning me. ‘You ready now?’

‘No,’ I told her, and kept telling her, until finally her nerves couldn’t stand it anymore: ‘If you are not ready now, you’ll make a hash of it all!’ she cried.

‘All right, all right, put him on,’ I leaned back in the chair and a little later, with tremendous coldness, announced, ‘Bull here.’

‘Look here, Bull, I have been trying to get you for days!’ the man boomed.

‘Have you now, Mr. Piss Off...?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘I said have you really.’

‘Listen, my name is—‘

‘I know what your name is!’ I cut in savagely. ‘We have met before.’

‘Yes, indeed.’

He remembered me at the party. He remembered everything, except: ‘Just piss off if you don’t like our company.’

‘Did I really say that?’ He sounded more amused than sorry.

‘Look, Mr. Piss Off, I am a busy man, so let’s get to the point.’

‘Well, yes, the point is that I think we ought to get together.’

‘What for?’

‘What for?’ he sounded baffled. ‘My dear man, we run the city’s only two businesses. If we didn’t get together for a little pow-wow now and then, we’d be inviting trouble. Your Uncle and I certainly did.’

‘Invite trouble?’

‘Get together! Talk things over’

‘Oh, you mean like gentlemen?’

‘Of course.’

‘Well, let’s see now...’ I said, turning slowly the pages of one of the hash books. ‘I might...be able to...fit you in on...’

‘Make it tomorrow, Bull.’

‘I am afraid I can’t tomorrow.’

‘Well, then, the day after tomorrow.’

‘Sorry, can’t.’

‘The day after that then.’

I turned some more pages of the hash book and I hummed. Finally I said: ‘Yes. I can just squeeze you in there. Shall we say nine in the morning?’

‘Fine. I’ll be expecting you.’

‘Oh no, Mr. Piss Off, I’ll be expecting you.’

He gave out in the background what I thought was a loud fart. But I may have been wrong, for he ended up saying: ‘Oh, very well.’

(20)

He came in his big chauffeur driven car. I got my ruffians to escort him in like they would a common bum. A special low chair was installed for him in my office. When he sat down the smell and I had to reach forward on our desks to get a glimpse of him: awkward but satisfying.

The super thug was far from ruffled. He simply strained his neck high in the air and smiled up at me. ‘Let me congratulate you, Bull.’

‘Congratulate me?’ I feigned ignorance. A little mock modesty, I thought, would be appropriate.

‘On your brilliant coup against the old fellow. I couldn’t believe my ears when I first heard about it.’

‘Neither could I.’

He thought that as some kind of a bad joke and went on to something else: ‘If at any time you need any help from me you have only to ask, you know.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, exchanging a look with the smell. I could see she had difficulty controlling herself; I was sure she wanted me to take out my gun and shoot the bastard then and there.

‘Your uncle and I had the closest of ties,’ the worm went on. ‘I did him a lot of favours.’

‘Like what, Mr. P?’

‘Oh, you know...I don’t like to appear arrogant but I run a very effective organization; there are things that I can get done which a lot of other people can’t...’ He spread out his hands and shrugged his shoulders.

‘Such as?’

A sweet smile. ‘Oh, perhaps you think I am underestimating you. Not at all, my friend. Look, may I call you Young?’

‘Certainly.’

‘Quite an extraordinary name you have,’ he chuckled, then abruptly: ‘Well, look, Young, I understand you are going into narcotics.’

‘Only hash.’

‘I suppose you know that up to now I have had a monopoly on it?’

‘So they say.’

‘Let me tell you something...’ He paused, sort of dramatically, making the smell shift noisily in her chair. He gave her a glance. ‘What a charming secretary you have...’

The old crow certainly had his cock screwed on right, I thought, but said: ‘That I know.’

He turned hastily to me. ‘Yes, well...’ he raised his finger to emphasize what he was going to say ‘...in this town, everyday of the week, there is at least one sucker trying to get past the cops with a load and...and do you know what happens to them all?’

I shook my head. ‘Tell me, Mr. P.’

‘The cooler! They end up saying good-bye to life. It makes me want to cry.’

He made such a downcast face, I thought he really meant it. But I didn’t wait to find out. I said quickly, ‘Just what has that got to do with my firm?’ I almost shouted, my pulse quickening.

‘Now I am not saying that you are an amateur too—‘

‘Aren’t you?!’ This time I really shouted.

‘No, no, I have the greatest respect for your firm. It’s an old firm, like mine. We are professionals, but...when we begin on something new, something as explosive as hash, we have to be careful—very careful. We can’t afford to make mistakes. Those amateurs have nothing to lose, except years and years of freedom. But we, we stand to lose our entire business. When we come out of the ice-box, we are not where we were—we are worse off. Do you get me?’

I almost made an effort to get up and get him. ‘Listen to me, Mr. P,’ I jabbed a finger towards him, you are here because you don’t want me to crack your monopoly! You are scared stiff I might bust up your business! You want me to forget about hash so that you may go on picking up the loot! You are a dirty, low-down—‘

‘Hold it, Young,’ he lifted up his hand, ‘just hold it. It’s not like that at all. Why, if you want to go ahead with hash, then go ahead by all means. I have nothing against it. I merely wanted you to know what it is like going into hash. As I said, your firm has been closely allied to mine; I just didn’t want you to make a false move and go under, that’s all.’

‘Why should you be worried about me?’

‘I am. I was worried about your uncle too.’

‘To hell with my uncle! He was a fool to let you have your way. Me, I am going to—‘

‘You can do what you like, for God’s sake!’ he cut in, raising his voice for the first time. ‘I told you that. But don’t come and blame me if our two firms begin fighting each other. As you know, business is business. When there is competition there is always the risk of misunderstandings!’

I leaned back in the chair, willing my pulse to slow down. I smiled. ‘Why competition, Mr. P? Why not co-operation?’

He made no reply. He smiled back and began shaking his head. He seemed to be embarrassed to say no.

‘The two of us together can reach the stars,’ I went on. He kept shaking his head and smiling. ‘Why not?’ I demanded

‘You mean we share my profits?’ he said finally.

I guess that’s what it really boiled down to, if one assumed that the town had no new customers whom I could help feed. So I said, ‘You don’t really know me, Mr. P. I am one hell of a devil at rounding up new mugs.’ I turned to the smell, ‘Isn’t that right?’

‘Correct,’ she opened her mouth for the first time. The big fish threw her a lustful look.

‘Why, we’ll make a junkie out of every Tom, Dick and Harry. There won’t be a single bastard able to stand up and open his eyes!’

‘l am sorry, Young. That’s out of the question.’

‘Then at least help us,’ the smell spoke again, giving him the sexiest of expressions. He turned to her and I was sure he was helping himself to her mentally.

‘How can I do that?’ he asked, interrupting himself from his telepathic deed.

‘Come, come, now, Mr. P,’ I said, ‘you know how.’

The hypocrite that he was, he kept insisting that he did not know what I was talking about, so I painted him a caricature of the grand vizier.

‘But he is not my man!’ he protested. ‘Not my exclusive man, that is. He is free to serve anybody he wishes, honest...’ He put his two hands on his heart.